I had forgotten all about my blog until this morning! I guess it's time to update a bit! I think my average time in between posts has been about a year!
I honestly do not believe that I had a real concept of time until after I gave birth to Austin! Now time can't go slow enough! He just turned 19 months old and is SO busy that at times I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going! I am so blessed that he is happy & healthy and flat runs everywhere he goes! I know once we're blessed with our next baby things will be even more busy and though that thought slightly terrifies me, I can't wait! I had baby fever bad before we got pregnant with Austin but since we had him it's been EVEN more intense! I guess that's what they mean by biological clock ticking! Mine ticks so loudly that it often wakes me up at night!
Things on the home-front are great though we've got our days! Sometimes it's hard to believe that we've been together nearly 12 years! It's crazy to think that in that time we've built this amazing life and I can't wait to see what lies ahead for us! We're working really hard at getting debt-free and building up a nest egg! I know, right?! How sad it's taken us this long but we had lessons to learn before we got to this point, I guess! Anyhow this is the year we're making it happen! We'll probably always feel pinched but that's only because even when we have money in savings, we pretend we don't!
Well, I guess that's it for today! I'll have to be creative another time because mommy duty calls, in the form of my beautiful son trying to literally knock me off the computer!
Have a beautiful day everyone, I know I am!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
My Beautiful, Wonderful Craziness!
Wow, I can't believe it's already been six months since we brought our beautiful son into this world! I've heard people say forever how fast time flies when you have kids but I don't think it really sinks in until you have babies of your own!
It's been so fun watching all of Austins little milestones; from rolling over to his first word...MOMMA!!! He is such an incredible little human being and I only hope I'm doing him justice as his momma! I feel so inadequate sometimes around him, like maybe I'm not attached enough to him or that somehow someone else would be doing a better job with him.
This morning I got upset with him when he tried pulling the poopy diaper out from under his bottom, while I was trying hot to get poop everywhere! I kind of chuckle to myself now but at that moment it really hit me that he's only a six month old baby. I don't know if raising someone else's child for so many years, not to mention a child who wasn't your ordinary kid, has jaded my view of where kids should be at different ages. If that even makes any sense at all! I definitely have things to work on as a mother! I want Austin, and any other babies we're blessed to conceive and deliver, to know that they are my entire world! I never want them to feel like they're not good enough! I want them always to feel good about themselves and never like they're bad!
I really fear when they get older, especially the age Joe's kids are now. I'm sure that's just because of the issues we've had with them, especially Savannah, over the years. I just have to remind myself to breathe and remember that our kids are different. They've come from different circumstances and they won't have the same struggles as the other two. For that I feel very fortunate!
Sometimes I feel like life is so out of control and moving so quickly that I'm missing too many things! Trying to maintain a clean & healthy home, keep up with bills & groceries and trying to spend every second of the day with Austin! Sometimes I just wish there was a pause button on life so it would be easier to slow things down for a while! Of course then there's the movie Click where he wants to fast forward through things and ends up nearly losing everything!
I will most likely never feel like I'm achieving great balance in my life so I guess I'll just enjoy what is my beautiful, wonderful craziness and be damn lucky to have it at all!
It's been so fun watching all of Austins little milestones; from rolling over to his first word...MOMMA!!! He is such an incredible little human being and I only hope I'm doing him justice as his momma! I feel so inadequate sometimes around him, like maybe I'm not attached enough to him or that somehow someone else would be doing a better job with him.
This morning I got upset with him when he tried pulling the poopy diaper out from under his bottom, while I was trying hot to get poop everywhere! I kind of chuckle to myself now but at that moment it really hit me that he's only a six month old baby. I don't know if raising someone else's child for so many years, not to mention a child who wasn't your ordinary kid, has jaded my view of where kids should be at different ages. If that even makes any sense at all! I definitely have things to work on as a mother! I want Austin, and any other babies we're blessed to conceive and deliver, to know that they are my entire world! I never want them to feel like they're not good enough! I want them always to feel good about themselves and never like they're bad!
I really fear when they get older, especially the age Joe's kids are now. I'm sure that's just because of the issues we've had with them, especially Savannah, over the years. I just have to remind myself to breathe and remember that our kids are different. They've come from different circumstances and they won't have the same struggles as the other two. For that I feel very fortunate!
Sometimes I feel like life is so out of control and moving so quickly that I'm missing too many things! Trying to maintain a clean & healthy home, keep up with bills & groceries and trying to spend every second of the day with Austin! Sometimes I just wish there was a pause button on life so it would be easier to slow things down for a while! Of course then there's the movie Click where he wants to fast forward through things and ends up nearly losing everything!
I will most likely never feel like I'm achieving great balance in my life so I guess I'll just enjoy what is my beautiful, wonderful craziness and be damn lucky to have it at all!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Loving My Good Enough Life!
I used to have a daily housework routine that I stuck to, fairly religiously! If the fact that I blew through a brand new vacuum in just over a year tells you anything, I clean...A LOT!!! It takes work to keep up with the four dogs and the dust kicked up in our hundred year old home! It was even harder when we still had three cats! Thankfully, even though we love & miss them, the cats have moved into their new forever home!
Lately though, I've adopted a whole new outlook on my list of chores! I've affectionately titled it the, "clean enough for now" movement! Of course I want to raise our family in as clean a home as possible! I also want to spend as much time with our infant son as is humanly possible! I don't want to miss any of his milestones! We've sacrificed a lot and I'm lucky enough to have a husband who works hard so that I'm able to stay home to take care of Austin myself! Obviously the major chores get done; Cleaning the kitchen & bathroom, dusting (out of selfdefense!), vacuuming and laundry! It's the usual deep cleaning that's taken a back burner!
At this point in the game, I'm still trying to adjust to having a new baby! You'd think after nearly three months of having him home I'd have figured out my new routine by now! That's not the case though! I'm still struggling with the balance it takes to run a household, keep a home clean & raise a child!
Saturday, my husband put it into much clearer perspective for me with the following facebook share:
Lately though, I've adopted a whole new outlook on my list of chores! I've affectionately titled it the, "clean enough for now" movement! Of course I want to raise our family in as clean a home as possible! I also want to spend as much time with our infant son as is humanly possible! I don't want to miss any of his milestones! We've sacrificed a lot and I'm lucky enough to have a husband who works hard so that I'm able to stay home to take care of Austin myself! Obviously the major chores get done; Cleaning the kitchen & bathroom, dusting (out of selfdefense!), vacuuming and laundry! It's the usual deep cleaning that's taken a back burner!
At this point in the game, I'm still trying to adjust to having a new baby! You'd think after nearly three months of having him home I'd have figured out my new routine by now! That's not the case though! I'm still struggling with the balance it takes to run a household, keep a home clean & raise a child!
Saturday, my husband put it into much clearer perspective for me with the following facebook share:
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class
began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class
began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
Although with severe gluten intolerance, I drink wine (when I'm not pregnant or nursing!) not beer, I get what the author is trying to say!
Before I became pregnant with our son, I had a head full of my idealistic views of what life would be like with children of our own! Even though we had my 12 year old stepdaughter living with us at the time, based on circumstances, it wasn't a real representation of what it would be like! Things are so different once you have children of your own! This is the conclusion I've come to, even after only three months! No matter how many times you hear other parents talk about it, you don't realize until after you've given birth, just how different your life will be! Perfect case in point is the fact that I've been working on this blog post for several days, stopping in between thoughts to care for my beautiful son!
I always thought I'd have a very strict schedule after baby was born! I envisioned him taking long morning naps, giving me ample time to complete my daily tasks! Of course those visions were jaded with that mood setting softness of a great picture! The reality is that I'm on his schedule and that varies from one day to the next! Hell, I'm lucky if I can get a load of laundry into the washer, dried, folded & put away, all in the same day! If my son is teaching me anything, it's the art of patience & better prioritization!
Our little family has been on a mission to simplify as many things in our lives as possible! We've always had huge visions of what we want our home to look like and someday it will be everything we've dreamed! For now though, it too has become the home of, "good enough for now"! We figure if we're OK with our friends & family being in the space then we're good until we can afford to make the renovations, both in time & money!
I always thought I'd have a very strict schedule after baby was born! I envisioned him taking long morning naps, giving me ample time to complete my daily tasks! Of course those visions were jaded with that mood setting softness of a great picture! The reality is that I'm on his schedule and that varies from one day to the next! Hell, I'm lucky if I can get a load of laundry into the washer, dried, folded & put away, all in the same day! If my son is teaching me anything, it's the art of patience & better prioritization!
Our little family has been on a mission to simplify as many things in our lives as possible! We've always had huge visions of what we want our home to look like and someday it will be everything we've dreamed! For now though, it too has become the home of, "good enough for now"! We figure if we're OK with our friends & family being in the space then we're good until we can afford to make the renovations, both in time & money!
I may never find the perfect balance but, at least for now, I'm willing to embrace life and enjoy all of my beautiful little golf balls and drink wine with friends again; Once I'm done nursing my son, of course! The pebbles & sand will always be there, lurking in the cracks of my amazingly, beautiful, blessed & wonderful good enough life!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
As This Wonderful, Amazing World Turns!
As I begin this blog, a full year plus a few days after my last blog, I can hear my two month old son cooing in our family room! He's watching the Nascar Cup race with my husband! Life has been such a whirlwind that it's been so hard to keep up with all of the happenings in our life!
So much has changed in our world since I last wrote: In November 2011, my husband left his position at Torgerson's & took an oil field job with a company in North Dakota and I became pregnant; In March my husband returned home, for good, from the oil fields; In April he became the newest member of the Lewistown HRDC Weatherization Crew; On Wednesday August 8, 2012 I gave birth to our beautiful son, Austin Joseph Charles Toller; and on August 21st my 12 year old stepdaughter, Savannah, moved in with her biological mother & their family in Billings!
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason but if you'd have told me a year ago that our lives would have taken such a sharp turn I'd have laughed! As sad as it made me, I had just resolved myself to the fact that it was possible we'd never have children of our own! Yet, here we are! Completely in love with the most amazing little human being I've ever met!
Life is was what it is and even though things have never been perfect or ideal with Savannah, we'd have just kept moving right along! We have also resolved ourselves to the fact that sadly, at the age of 12, she is who she is, we're never going to change her! The things we tried to instill in her, like honesty, integrity, hard work & respect are now up to her! You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! I think she's finding out, the hard way, that no matter where she goes her problems are going to follow her until she changes her behavior! Manipulation will only get you so far with the same people! We will always love her but right now she's right where she should be!
I don't know what the future holds for me & my little family but I can tell you, we're living the most amazing life! We're not rolling in money and there are times we struggle to pay everything on time & in full; We're not driving a fancy car; We're not living in the most sofisticated home in town; And we're not taking extravagant vacations...But we couldn't be happier!!! Life is good in ways I didn't know were possible! At this point, I'm just trying to hang on as this wonderful, amazing world turns! I'm a lucky momma & I know it!
So much has changed in our world since I last wrote: In November 2011, my husband left his position at Torgerson's & took an oil field job with a company in North Dakota and I became pregnant; In March my husband returned home, for good, from the oil fields; In April he became the newest member of the Lewistown HRDC Weatherization Crew; On Wednesday August 8, 2012 I gave birth to our beautiful son, Austin Joseph Charles Toller; and on August 21st my 12 year old stepdaughter, Savannah, moved in with her biological mother & their family in Billings!
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason but if you'd have told me a year ago that our lives would have taken such a sharp turn I'd have laughed! As sad as it made me, I had just resolved myself to the fact that it was possible we'd never have children of our own! Yet, here we are! Completely in love with the most amazing little human being I've ever met!
Life is was what it is and even though things have never been perfect or ideal with Savannah, we'd have just kept moving right along! We have also resolved ourselves to the fact that sadly, at the age of 12, she is who she is, we're never going to change her! The things we tried to instill in her, like honesty, integrity, hard work & respect are now up to her! You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! I think she's finding out, the hard way, that no matter where she goes her problems are going to follow her until she changes her behavior! Manipulation will only get you so far with the same people! We will always love her but right now she's right where she should be!
I don't know what the future holds for me & my little family but I can tell you, we're living the most amazing life! We're not rolling in money and there are times we struggle to pay everything on time & in full; We're not driving a fancy car; We're not living in the most sofisticated home in town; And we're not taking extravagant vacations...But we couldn't be happier!!! Life is good in ways I didn't know were possible! At this point, I'm just trying to hang on as this wonderful, amazing world turns! I'm a lucky momma & I know it!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Beautiful Life!
I am constantly reminded as to just how incredibly lucky I am in this life! I have managed to swim through the muck & sludge and emerge in this beautiful open water! I am still not entirely sure how I managed that but I'm gonna run with it!
My life could have turned out so much different given the path I'd chosen little over a decade ago! Newly divorced & completely determined to destroy myself, one drink after another; one man after another. All of that and here I am with a wonderful husband, incredible daughter (actually 2 step-daughters but it's a VERY long story), fantastic friends, amazing home, adorable pets and the chance to build an awesome photography career! Though I have my days of self pity having started another period & knowing it's not my turn to be pregnant and still dealing regularly with the loss of our pregnancy in 2006, I am so fortunate!
Thank you! Thank you to whatever force has given me this most amazingly wonderful opportunity! Thank you to whatever force has found me worthy of such a beautiful life! I will be forever grateful!
My life could have turned out so much different given the path I'd chosen little over a decade ago! Newly divorced & completely determined to destroy myself, one drink after another; one man after another. All of that and here I am with a wonderful husband, incredible daughter (actually 2 step-daughters but it's a VERY long story), fantastic friends, amazing home, adorable pets and the chance to build an awesome photography career! Though I have my days of self pity having started another period & knowing it's not my turn to be pregnant and still dealing regularly with the loss of our pregnancy in 2006, I am so fortunate!
Thank you! Thank you to whatever force has given me this most amazingly wonderful opportunity! Thank you to whatever force has found me worthy of such a beautiful life! I will be forever grateful!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
School Is In Session!
Even though I knew school started on August 24th this year it came as almost a shock! Such a shock, in fact, that I was not even close to my regularly prepared mommy self! I hadn't labeled any of my daughter's supplies, forgot to buy her a lunch box (until after I picked her up...on the 1st day of school!) and couldn't even seem to get her to bed by her school night bedtime of 8pm the night before her 1st day!!! Seriously? What is my freakin problem?! Except to say that I took care of several small children over the summer, some of them a bit challenging, I have no really good excuse!
This being my daughters last year of middle school I am in a slight panic! How can this be happening already?! Where has the time gone? I first met her just after her 2nd birthday and have loved her ever since! It's always just been such a natural emotion! When I first fell in love with a man I knew to have kids I had no idea I would feel so strongly! I have just always loved her as though she were mine! True, I've never given birth but I have been pregnant & I know how much I already loved my baby! I'd have given my own life for him to have been born & for me to have held him just once! That is exactly how I feel about my daughter! There's nothing I wouldn't do for her! So the thought of her growing up as quickly as she has scares the crap out of me!
When I start to feel the nostalgia associated with "Back To School" it does warm my heart to the fact that my daughter has the opportunity to do it better than I did! She has the chance to never make the mistakes I've made! She has a whole school career ahead of her with which to do awesome incredible things for her own future! Regardless of how her growing up makes me feel, it IS happening and there is no denying that school is in session!
This being my daughters last year of middle school I am in a slight panic! How can this be happening already?! Where has the time gone? I first met her just after her 2nd birthday and have loved her ever since! It's always just been such a natural emotion! When I first fell in love with a man I knew to have kids I had no idea I would feel so strongly! I have just always loved her as though she were mine! True, I've never given birth but I have been pregnant & I know how much I already loved my baby! I'd have given my own life for him to have been born & for me to have held him just once! That is exactly how I feel about my daughter! There's nothing I wouldn't do for her! So the thought of her growing up as quickly as she has scares the crap out of me!
When I start to feel the nostalgia associated with "Back To School" it does warm my heart to the fact that my daughter has the opportunity to do it better than I did! She has the chance to never make the mistakes I've made! She has a whole school career ahead of her with which to do awesome incredible things for her own future! Regardless of how her growing up makes me feel, it IS happening and there is no denying that school is in session!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Life's Mystery
One of the scariest thoughts I have on a regular basis is one day being gone from my family & friends or losing one of them. As much as you try not to dwell on the fact that the circle of life has no prejudice it is still bothersome when tragedy strikes.
With the most recent loss suffered by our little community, whether or not you know the crash victims, it is still tragic and senseless. How are you supposed to process & digest senseless tragedy? I am not religious. In fact, I do not believe in god and with the exception of about a week in middle school, have not for my whole life. Except to say that I am a very spiritual person, my reasons are my own and I will leave it at that (feel free to ask about my beliefs as I am not ashamed, just didn't want to get into that discussion in this particular post). But, religious or not, spiritual or not, it is still hard to understand how good people can have such tragic accidents yet rotten people sometimes go unscathed! Can someone please explain this to me?
I am one of those people who tries really hard to find the good out of any situation but sometimes life makes that an almost impossible goal. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason I find it really hard to swallow when things like the recent accident happen & take the life of a new father & threaten the lives of both a new mother & a three week old baby. How can there possibly be a good reason for this?
There will always be such questions to ponder so long as we are among the living and there will more than likely never be palatable answers that will give us any comfort. The religious have the answers that make them feel safe, as do, I imagine, those that believe in nothing at all! I will take comfort in the fact that when it is my time, tragic or of old age, though I will still not want to go, it will be the next cycle of my journey. In the mean time: I will make the absolute most out of every single second I am blessed to live; I will Control what I can control & deal with the rest as it is laid upon me; I will find the beauty in everything & everyone around me; I will focus only on those people & things worthy of my precious time & attention; I will take better care of my health as to not waste the gift of life I've been given; I will treasure the memories I have of those whom I love & have passed; I will always show my loved ones just how much they mean to me! I will always be true to myself; I will care for this planet while I am here borrowing it's offerings & return it in better condition than I found it; and I will try always to be a positive force for whom my family & friends can rely!
I still find tremendous sadness in the fact that there is tragedy all around us. I don't think I would be able to consider myself a caring human being if that was not the case. I do however want to take something positive out of each tragedy in the hopes of making the lives of others better in some way. Perhaps the notion that we are supposed to search & find the answer to some deep mystery of life is simply a waste of our precious time & energy. Maybe the mystery of life isn't supposed to be found but rather embraced, lived & enjoyed!
With the most recent loss suffered by our little community, whether or not you know the crash victims, it is still tragic and senseless. How are you supposed to process & digest senseless tragedy? I am not religious. In fact, I do not believe in god and with the exception of about a week in middle school, have not for my whole life. Except to say that I am a very spiritual person, my reasons are my own and I will leave it at that (feel free to ask about my beliefs as I am not ashamed, just didn't want to get into that discussion in this particular post). But, religious or not, spiritual or not, it is still hard to understand how good people can have such tragic accidents yet rotten people sometimes go unscathed! Can someone please explain this to me?
I am one of those people who tries really hard to find the good out of any situation but sometimes life makes that an almost impossible goal. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason I find it really hard to swallow when things like the recent accident happen & take the life of a new father & threaten the lives of both a new mother & a three week old baby. How can there possibly be a good reason for this?
There will always be such questions to ponder so long as we are among the living and there will more than likely never be palatable answers that will give us any comfort. The religious have the answers that make them feel safe, as do, I imagine, those that believe in nothing at all! I will take comfort in the fact that when it is my time, tragic or of old age, though I will still not want to go, it will be the next cycle of my journey. In the mean time: I will make the absolute most out of every single second I am blessed to live; I will Control what I can control & deal with the rest as it is laid upon me; I will find the beauty in everything & everyone around me; I will focus only on those people & things worthy of my precious time & attention; I will take better care of my health as to not waste the gift of life I've been given; I will treasure the memories I have of those whom I love & have passed; I will always show my loved ones just how much they mean to me! I will always be true to myself; I will care for this planet while I am here borrowing it's offerings & return it in better condition than I found it; and I will try always to be a positive force for whom my family & friends can rely!
I still find tremendous sadness in the fact that there is tragedy all around us. I don't think I would be able to consider myself a caring human being if that was not the case. I do however want to take something positive out of each tragedy in the hopes of making the lives of others better in some way. Perhaps the notion that we are supposed to search & find the answer to some deep mystery of life is simply a waste of our precious time & energy. Maybe the mystery of life isn't supposed to be found but rather embraced, lived & enjoyed!
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