I am constantly reminded as to just how incredibly lucky I am in this life! I have managed to swim through the muck & sludge and emerge in this beautiful open water! I am still not entirely sure how I managed that but I'm gonna run with it!
My life could have turned out so much different given the path I'd chosen little over a decade ago! Newly divorced & completely determined to destroy myself, one drink after another; one man after another. All of that and here I am with a wonderful husband, incredible daughter (actually 2 step-daughters but it's a VERY long story), fantastic friends, amazing home, adorable pets and the chance to build an awesome photography career! Though I have my days of self pity having started another period & knowing it's not my turn to be pregnant and still dealing regularly with the loss of our pregnancy in 2006, I am so fortunate!
Thank you! Thank you to whatever force has given me this most amazingly wonderful opportunity! Thank you to whatever force has found me worthy of such a beautiful life! I will be forever grateful!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
School Is In Session!
Even though I knew school started on August 24th this year it came as almost a shock! Such a shock, in fact, that I was not even close to my regularly prepared mommy self! I hadn't labeled any of my daughter's supplies, forgot to buy her a lunch box (until after I picked her up...on the 1st day of school!) and couldn't even seem to get her to bed by her school night bedtime of 8pm the night before her 1st day!!! Seriously? What is my freakin problem?! Except to say that I took care of several small children over the summer, some of them a bit challenging, I have no really good excuse!
This being my daughters last year of middle school I am in a slight panic! How can this be happening already?! Where has the time gone? I first met her just after her 2nd birthday and have loved her ever since! It's always just been such a natural emotion! When I first fell in love with a man I knew to have kids I had no idea I would feel so strongly! I have just always loved her as though she were mine! True, I've never given birth but I have been pregnant & I know how much I already loved my baby! I'd have given my own life for him to have been born & for me to have held him just once! That is exactly how I feel about my daughter! There's nothing I wouldn't do for her! So the thought of her growing up as quickly as she has scares the crap out of me!
When I start to feel the nostalgia associated with "Back To School" it does warm my heart to the fact that my daughter has the opportunity to do it better than I did! She has the chance to never make the mistakes I've made! She has a whole school career ahead of her with which to do awesome incredible things for her own future! Regardless of how her growing up makes me feel, it IS happening and there is no denying that school is in session!
This being my daughters last year of middle school I am in a slight panic! How can this be happening already?! Where has the time gone? I first met her just after her 2nd birthday and have loved her ever since! It's always just been such a natural emotion! When I first fell in love with a man I knew to have kids I had no idea I would feel so strongly! I have just always loved her as though she were mine! True, I've never given birth but I have been pregnant & I know how much I already loved my baby! I'd have given my own life for him to have been born & for me to have held him just once! That is exactly how I feel about my daughter! There's nothing I wouldn't do for her! So the thought of her growing up as quickly as she has scares the crap out of me!
When I start to feel the nostalgia associated with "Back To School" it does warm my heart to the fact that my daughter has the opportunity to do it better than I did! She has the chance to never make the mistakes I've made! She has a whole school career ahead of her with which to do awesome incredible things for her own future! Regardless of how her growing up makes me feel, it IS happening and there is no denying that school is in session!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Life's Mystery
One of the scariest thoughts I have on a regular basis is one day being gone from my family & friends or losing one of them. As much as you try not to dwell on the fact that the circle of life has no prejudice it is still bothersome when tragedy strikes.
With the most recent loss suffered by our little community, whether or not you know the crash victims, it is still tragic and senseless. How are you supposed to process & digest senseless tragedy? I am not religious. In fact, I do not believe in god and with the exception of about a week in middle school, have not for my whole life. Except to say that I am a very spiritual person, my reasons are my own and I will leave it at that (feel free to ask about my beliefs as I am not ashamed, just didn't want to get into that discussion in this particular post). But, religious or not, spiritual or not, it is still hard to understand how good people can have such tragic accidents yet rotten people sometimes go unscathed! Can someone please explain this to me?
I am one of those people who tries really hard to find the good out of any situation but sometimes life makes that an almost impossible goal. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason I find it really hard to swallow when things like the recent accident happen & take the life of a new father & threaten the lives of both a new mother & a three week old baby. How can there possibly be a good reason for this?
There will always be such questions to ponder so long as we are among the living and there will more than likely never be palatable answers that will give us any comfort. The religious have the answers that make them feel safe, as do, I imagine, those that believe in nothing at all! I will take comfort in the fact that when it is my time, tragic or of old age, though I will still not want to go, it will be the next cycle of my journey. In the mean time: I will make the absolute most out of every single second I am blessed to live; I will Control what I can control & deal with the rest as it is laid upon me; I will find the beauty in everything & everyone around me; I will focus only on those people & things worthy of my precious time & attention; I will take better care of my health as to not waste the gift of life I've been given; I will treasure the memories I have of those whom I love & have passed; I will always show my loved ones just how much they mean to me! I will always be true to myself; I will care for this planet while I am here borrowing it's offerings & return it in better condition than I found it; and I will try always to be a positive force for whom my family & friends can rely!
I still find tremendous sadness in the fact that there is tragedy all around us. I don't think I would be able to consider myself a caring human being if that was not the case. I do however want to take something positive out of each tragedy in the hopes of making the lives of others better in some way. Perhaps the notion that we are supposed to search & find the answer to some deep mystery of life is simply a waste of our precious time & energy. Maybe the mystery of life isn't supposed to be found but rather embraced, lived & enjoyed!
With the most recent loss suffered by our little community, whether or not you know the crash victims, it is still tragic and senseless. How are you supposed to process & digest senseless tragedy? I am not religious. In fact, I do not believe in god and with the exception of about a week in middle school, have not for my whole life. Except to say that I am a very spiritual person, my reasons are my own and I will leave it at that (feel free to ask about my beliefs as I am not ashamed, just didn't want to get into that discussion in this particular post). But, religious or not, spiritual or not, it is still hard to understand how good people can have such tragic accidents yet rotten people sometimes go unscathed! Can someone please explain this to me?
I am one of those people who tries really hard to find the good out of any situation but sometimes life makes that an almost impossible goal. Even though I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason I find it really hard to swallow when things like the recent accident happen & take the life of a new father & threaten the lives of both a new mother & a three week old baby. How can there possibly be a good reason for this?
There will always be such questions to ponder so long as we are among the living and there will more than likely never be palatable answers that will give us any comfort. The religious have the answers that make them feel safe, as do, I imagine, those that believe in nothing at all! I will take comfort in the fact that when it is my time, tragic or of old age, though I will still not want to go, it will be the next cycle of my journey. In the mean time: I will make the absolute most out of every single second I am blessed to live; I will Control what I can control & deal with the rest as it is laid upon me; I will find the beauty in everything & everyone around me; I will focus only on those people & things worthy of my precious time & attention; I will take better care of my health as to not waste the gift of life I've been given; I will treasure the memories I have of those whom I love & have passed; I will always show my loved ones just how much they mean to me! I will always be true to myself; I will care for this planet while I am here borrowing it's offerings & return it in better condition than I found it; and I will try always to be a positive force for whom my family & friends can rely!
I still find tremendous sadness in the fact that there is tragedy all around us. I don't think I would be able to consider myself a caring human being if that was not the case. I do however want to take something positive out of each tragedy in the hopes of making the lives of others better in some way. Perhaps the notion that we are supposed to search & find the answer to some deep mystery of life is simply a waste of our precious time & energy. Maybe the mystery of life isn't supposed to be found but rather embraced, lived & enjoyed!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Dawn Of A New Age!
When I was very young I used to say , jokingly, that when I turned 40 I would want to off myself as to not suffer from wrinkles or old age! I look back now, from the young age of 33 and wish I could contact my younger self and give her a heads up on what's to come!
Just think if we could enlighten our younger selves and educate them on the error of our ways, how much heartache we could spare them! On the other hand, if life really worked that way how much would we actually learn? How could we become better people throughout our lives if we didn't stumble along the way & make mistakes?
I am actually enjoying the aging process! I admit I'm a bit more liberal with the eye serum these days! I am also much more apt to apply sun block in a think coating! I am much more aware of the foods my family & I eat and demand we all take multi-vitamins! The younger me didn't think there would ever come a time when health would be a higher priority than partying! Now days, even on kid-less evenings, such as the one we had last night, I'd rather crawl into my comfy bed with my husband than be at a bar drinking!
Did that seriously just come out of my mouth? Yup, it sure did! And at the rate I'm going it won't be the last time it will do so!
I find myself evaluating life on a daily basis! Not in the obsessive, paranoid sense, but rather as a means of treasuring each and every second I've been given in this life! With the tragic accidents, death & loss our little community has faced in the recent past I've been finding it necessary to check in with how fortunate we really are in this life. I find myself looking forward to the feelings of even the smallest achievements; tender moments with my husband, family & friends; summer months for BBQ's & outdoor activities; fall & winter for the snuggle time I know is eminent; spring time for the cleaning & rejuvenation we all need by the end of our long winter season!
There are still so many things I have yet to achieve in this lifetime and now that I'm older I am appreciating so much more than I ever could have in my early twenties! Does that make me old? I suppose to my younger self it does! For my current self though, it is just simply the dawn of a new age! A new age in which the possibilities are beautiful and endless!
Just think if we could enlighten our younger selves and educate them on the error of our ways, how much heartache we could spare them! On the other hand, if life really worked that way how much would we actually learn? How could we become better people throughout our lives if we didn't stumble along the way & make mistakes?
I am actually enjoying the aging process! I admit I'm a bit more liberal with the eye serum these days! I am also much more apt to apply sun block in a think coating! I am much more aware of the foods my family & I eat and demand we all take multi-vitamins! The younger me didn't think there would ever come a time when health would be a higher priority than partying! Now days, even on kid-less evenings, such as the one we had last night, I'd rather crawl into my comfy bed with my husband than be at a bar drinking!
Did that seriously just come out of my mouth? Yup, it sure did! And at the rate I'm going it won't be the last time it will do so!
I find myself evaluating life on a daily basis! Not in the obsessive, paranoid sense, but rather as a means of treasuring each and every second I've been given in this life! With the tragic accidents, death & loss our little community has faced in the recent past I've been finding it necessary to check in with how fortunate we really are in this life. I find myself looking forward to the feelings of even the smallest achievements; tender moments with my husband, family & friends; summer months for BBQ's & outdoor activities; fall & winter for the snuggle time I know is eminent; spring time for the cleaning & rejuvenation we all need by the end of our long winter season!
There are still so many things I have yet to achieve in this lifetime and now that I'm older I am appreciating so much more than I ever could have in my early twenties! Does that make me old? I suppose to my younger self it does! For my current self though, it is just simply the dawn of a new age! A new age in which the possibilities are beautiful and endless!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Magic Of Being A Mommy!
It utterly amazes me how being a mommy changes a person, i.e. I'm not quite the party animal I used to be! Unless of course you consider flannel jam-jams & thinking about bedtime by 6pm, party animal type stuff! In which case I'm an over the top party animal! Whether you are a biological, adoptive or step mommy, it's all just caring for & nurturing little lives! Helping to mold them into the people they will someday become! With hard work, consistent rules & boundaries and a small amount of luck they will grow up to be honest, trust worthy, caring, responsible members of society! At least that's your hope!
Whoever said being a parent, & more specifically a mommy, was going to be easy was an absolute loon (whether or not any person has actually ever really said that is beyond me)! It is by far and without a doubt the most difficult position I have ever held! Am I doing it right? Is anything I'm saying making any difference what so ever? Will the lessons we're teaching ever "click"? Am I going to ruin this little being by doing or saying the wrong thing? Will soggy, mashed Cheerios ever really come out of the upholstery?
I certainly don't have even half of the answers when it comes to raising children but I feel like parenting is a mixture of many different sources: How we ourselves were raised; by watching how people with whom we are close parent their children; and things we've learned in classes or by reading books (ok, maybe not so much from books, especially those written by single, childless authors!)! Mostly though I feel like our greatest parenting skills are fed by our instincts and our desire to make the absolute best choices possible for our kids!
I've known since I was very young that I wanted to be a mommy but it didn't happen the conventional way for me! It just so happens that I met & fell madly in love with a man who came with some pretty cute baggage! Even though I knew he had kids (ok, one kid & one on the way-don't ask, it's a long story) and all of the unsavory stuff that comes along with a previous marriage I decided that a life on a roller coaster ride was far better than any life I would have without them! It hasn't been all roses though, even in a home full of love! I have often struggled with the fact that I am not my daughters biological mother! Not that biology is what makes a family or a happy home for that matter but I am the only person in my home not related by blood! Some days that thought is absolutely overwhelming and other days I don't think twice about it! This does however, at least partly explain why my furniture is so often rearranged!
I first met Savannah just after she turned two and over the years she has asked me how come I can love her like my own baby even though she didn't come out of my tummy! I've always told her that even though she didn't come out of my body, my heart doesn't know that and loves her just as much as if she had! She would always just giggle & snuggle in close to me whenever I would tell her that! She & I are very close & talk about everything together and we are so much alike it's absurd! This fact explains why we sometimes clash with each other! Even with all of that clashing we sometimes encounter it has been such an amazing journey watching her grow & change into one of the most beautiful & unique human beings I've ever had the privilege to know! I may not have given her life but I feel so lucky to have been given the honor of being her mommy! There is absolutely nothing better in this entire world!
Since Savannah was very little and first asked if it was ok if she called me mommy we haven't used the term "step" in our household! We always knew we wanted to add future babies to our family but we never wanted her to feel as though she wasn't just as much a part of our family as they will be! We never forced it on her though! We always said that so long as she never called me anything mean or inappropriate she could call me whatever felt safe to her inside where all of her feelings are!We are just a family and that is all that matters to us! Of course over the years being her biological mother would have saved us a lot of grief and legal fees! But we've worked so hard to get where we are today I don't think we would be fully appreciative of everything we have now had we not had so many struggles! We have had legal residential custody of Savannah since January 2007 and are now on friendly terms with her biological mother. We have all grown up & matured so much which helps immensely! Joe, Savannah & I are very happy and her mother, step-father & sister Isabelle seem to be as well! What more can you ask out of life really?!
Since hitting the ripe old age of 33 a few weeks ago my already turbo charged biological clock has been ticking over-time! My medical problems combined with an aging body don't exactly make me a
fertile-mertile! Of course neither does the fact that my libido is working up a hard sweat and my husbands is out in left field chasing it's own tail! Though I absolutely hold out hope that I will someday be able to carry & deliver a baby of my own I try to take comfort in the solace that even though we miscarried a baby, I have been blessed enough to have carried a precious life inside of me & through raising Savannah I have felt the magic of being a mommy! It hasn't always been a smooth road but I wouldn't change us for all the tea in China!
Whoever said being a parent, & more specifically a mommy, was going to be easy was an absolute loon (whether or not any person has actually ever really said that is beyond me)! It is by far and without a doubt the most difficult position I have ever held! Am I doing it right? Is anything I'm saying making any difference what so ever? Will the lessons we're teaching ever "click"? Am I going to ruin this little being by doing or saying the wrong thing? Will soggy, mashed Cheerios ever really come out of the upholstery?
I certainly don't have even half of the answers when it comes to raising children but I feel like parenting is a mixture of many different sources: How we ourselves were raised; by watching how people with whom we are close parent their children; and things we've learned in classes or by reading books (ok, maybe not so much from books, especially those written by single, childless authors!)! Mostly though I feel like our greatest parenting skills are fed by our instincts and our desire to make the absolute best choices possible for our kids!
I've known since I was very young that I wanted to be a mommy but it didn't happen the conventional way for me! It just so happens that I met & fell madly in love with a man who came with some pretty cute baggage! Even though I knew he had kids (ok, one kid & one on the way-don't ask, it's a long story) and all of the unsavory stuff that comes along with a previous marriage I decided that a life on a roller coaster ride was far better than any life I would have without them! It hasn't been all roses though, even in a home full of love! I have often struggled with the fact that I am not my daughters biological mother! Not that biology is what makes a family or a happy home for that matter but I am the only person in my home not related by blood! Some days that thought is absolutely overwhelming and other days I don't think twice about it! This does however, at least partly explain why my furniture is so often rearranged!
I first met Savannah just after she turned two and over the years she has asked me how come I can love her like my own baby even though she didn't come out of my tummy! I've always told her that even though she didn't come out of my body, my heart doesn't know that and loves her just as much as if she had! She would always just giggle & snuggle in close to me whenever I would tell her that! She & I are very close & talk about everything together and we are so much alike it's absurd! This fact explains why we sometimes clash with each other! Even with all of that clashing we sometimes encounter it has been such an amazing journey watching her grow & change into one of the most beautiful & unique human beings I've ever had the privilege to know! I may not have given her life but I feel so lucky to have been given the honor of being her mommy! There is absolutely nothing better in this entire world!
Since Savannah was very little and first asked if it was ok if she called me mommy we haven't used the term "step" in our household! We always knew we wanted to add future babies to our family but we never wanted her to feel as though she wasn't just as much a part of our family as they will be! We never forced it on her though! We always said that so long as she never called me anything mean or inappropriate she could call me whatever felt safe to her inside where all of her feelings are!We are just a family and that is all that matters to us! Of course over the years being her biological mother would have saved us a lot of grief and legal fees! But we've worked so hard to get where we are today I don't think we would be fully appreciative of everything we have now had we not had so many struggles! We have had legal residential custody of Savannah since January 2007 and are now on friendly terms with her biological mother. We have all grown up & matured so much which helps immensely! Joe, Savannah & I are very happy and her mother, step-father & sister Isabelle seem to be as well! What more can you ask out of life really?!
Since hitting the ripe old age of 33 a few weeks ago my already turbo charged biological clock has been ticking over-time! My medical problems combined with an aging body don't exactly make me a
fertile-mertile! Of course neither does the fact that my libido is working up a hard sweat and my husbands is out in left field chasing it's own tail! Though I absolutely hold out hope that I will someday be able to carry & deliver a baby of my own I try to take comfort in the solace that even though we miscarried a baby, I have been blessed enough to have carried a precious life inside of me & through raising Savannah I have felt the magic of being a mommy! It hasn't always been a smooth road but I wouldn't change us for all the tea in China!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Motivationally Speaking!
I am the kind of person who is always creating & maintaining a To-Do List! Anyone close to me knows this to be true! In fact, my husband has been known to write little notes on my To-Do Lists, such as "write to-do list"! He thinks he's funny so I let him! I've caught others over the years doing much the same! Even though I am all about the recycling and as much as it pains me to admit this, if someone wrote on my list I'd have to start all over! I know what you're thinking but I've never actually been diagnosed as OCD, so there!
The thing I've found over the course of my 15 or so years of "To-Do List writing" is that it is always easier to write the list than it is to actually carry out all of the tasks on the list! I've always thought it was funny when a famous person had a personal trainer to help keep them motivated to continue their work outs! I'm not laughing so much now that I've contemplated one to keep me motivated to complete my daily To-Do Lists! Why is it so hard to just complete a task? This is a question I have asked myself many times over the years! I can't obviously answer for anyone other than myself, so for me it is about loading myself down with so many tasks even Super Woman couldn't possibly finish it all in one day! Perfect case in point is the fact that I've had "paint the living room & dining room ceiling" on my list for nearly a month! Do you think it's been done yet? Nope! Just gets moved to the next days list!
Day in & day out I torture myself with that long list of disappointment! Every day it just stares at me from the fridge! Winking at me as I go by as if trying to entice me to get my ass in gear! It's not that I'm doing nothing! I get going on one project then find myself moments later working on another one in a completely different room! I think sometimes I find myself so totally overwhelmed by the fact that I am a grown-up with big girl responsibilities that I get stumped! Of course the dog's, who think they're awesome helpers; cat's, who are far too good to care; ferret's, who are completely oblivious; kids, who seem to speak a different language than myself; a husband who doesn't know that mud actually sticks to your shoes; and the fact that we live in a 100 year old dust bucket (I mean house) doesn't always help either!
My daughter is always saying, "you are WAY too picky mom!"! She's right! I just feel like since my family knows this about me that it would be far easier to just do it how I want it done! Yes, I am picky but I'm not delusional! I know I need to revamp my way of thinking and I am truly working on it!
While paying a bill over the phone a few days ago I had the most educational conversation with the very nice customer service rep! She said that her children are grown now but when they were growing up the question she always asked herself was, "will this ultimately matter in 30 years?"! What random wisdom! I have started asking that very question when dealing with things around the house and though I still want things tidy & clean, I am trying hard to more wisely choose my battles!
I will probably always be a To-Do List writer/picky mommy/neat freak, that's just who I am! But motivationally speaking, I am working a lot harder at pairing down my list, actually completing projects on the list and being the calming force I so badly want to embody! I want to know that when my family looks back in 30 years they don't just remember me always cleaning & nagging but rather that I love them & just wanted a clean, tidy, safe & cozy nest in which they can all land safely!
The thing I've found over the course of my 15 or so years of "To-Do List writing" is that it is always easier to write the list than it is to actually carry out all of the tasks on the list! I've always thought it was funny when a famous person had a personal trainer to help keep them motivated to continue their work outs! I'm not laughing so much now that I've contemplated one to keep me motivated to complete my daily To-Do Lists! Why is it so hard to just complete a task? This is a question I have asked myself many times over the years! I can't obviously answer for anyone other than myself, so for me it is about loading myself down with so many tasks even Super Woman couldn't possibly finish it all in one day! Perfect case in point is the fact that I've had "paint the living room & dining room ceiling" on my list for nearly a month! Do you think it's been done yet? Nope! Just gets moved to the next days list!
Day in & day out I torture myself with that long list of disappointment! Every day it just stares at me from the fridge! Winking at me as I go by as if trying to entice me to get my ass in gear! It's not that I'm doing nothing! I get going on one project then find myself moments later working on another one in a completely different room! I think sometimes I find myself so totally overwhelmed by the fact that I am a grown-up with big girl responsibilities that I get stumped! Of course the dog's, who think they're awesome helpers; cat's, who are far too good to care; ferret's, who are completely oblivious; kids, who seem to speak a different language than myself; a husband who doesn't know that mud actually sticks to your shoes; and the fact that we live in a 100 year old dust bucket (I mean house) doesn't always help either!
My daughter is always saying, "you are WAY too picky mom!"! She's right! I just feel like since my family knows this about me that it would be far easier to just do it how I want it done! Yes, I am picky but I'm not delusional! I know I need to revamp my way of thinking and I am truly working on it!
While paying a bill over the phone a few days ago I had the most educational conversation with the very nice customer service rep! She said that her children are grown now but when they were growing up the question she always asked herself was, "will this ultimately matter in 30 years?"! What random wisdom! I have started asking that very question when dealing with things around the house and though I still want things tidy & clean, I am trying hard to more wisely choose my battles!
I will probably always be a To-Do List writer/picky mommy/neat freak, that's just who I am! But motivationally speaking, I am working a lot harder at pairing down my list, actually completing projects on the list and being the calming force I so badly want to embody! I want to know that when my family looks back in 30 years they don't just remember me always cleaning & nagging but rather that I love them & just wanted a clean, tidy, safe & cozy nest in which they can all land safely!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Childs Play!
I have been having one of those incredibly busy weeks in which I wasn't sure if I was coming or going!
I am happy though to report that I survived! It's Friday (thank you higher power!) and as I sit her typing, listening to the kids play outside, I have a humble sense of calm!
In the course of a half an hour they have been both wedding planners & a family running a business! I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how kids can so completely use their imaginations! I have to admit that I am a bit jealous! As an adult & photographer I sometimes feel smothered by my inability to capture exactly the right photograph! As kids they so easily skip from made up game to made up game, making up the rules as they go & being quite content with the outcome!
As I wrap up this post I hear some bickering going on outside because as simple as play can be for kids there will always be times when they just plain don't agree!
What a comfort to know that no matter what is going on in the adult world, in their world they are just kids and it's all child's play!
I am happy though to report that I survived! It's Friday (thank you higher power!) and as I sit her typing, listening to the kids play outside, I have a humble sense of calm!
In the course of a half an hour they have been both wedding planners & a family running a business! I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how kids can so completely use their imaginations! I have to admit that I am a bit jealous! As an adult & photographer I sometimes feel smothered by my inability to capture exactly the right photograph! As kids they so easily skip from made up game to made up game, making up the rules as they go & being quite content with the outcome!
As I wrap up this post I hear some bickering going on outside because as simple as play can be for kids there will always be times when they just plain don't agree!
What a comfort to know that no matter what is going on in the adult world, in their world they are just kids and it's all child's play!
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