Magic Of Being A Mommy!

It utterly amazes me how being a mommy changes a person, i.e. I'm not quite the party animal I used to be! Unless of course you consider flannel jam-jams & thinking about bedtime by 6pm, party animal type stuff! In which case I'm an over the top party animal! Whether you are a biological, adoptive or step mommy, it's all just caring for & nurturing little lives! Helping to mold them into the people they will someday become! With hard work, consistent rules & boundaries and a small amount of luck they will grow up to be honest, trust worthy, caring, responsible members of society! At least that's your hope!

Whoever said being a parent, & more specifically a mommy, was going to be easy was an absolute loon (whether or not any person has actually ever really said that is beyond me)! It is by far and without a doubt the most difficult position I have ever held! Am I doing it right? Is anything I'm saying making any difference what so ever? Will the lessons we're teaching ever "click"? Am I going to ruin this little being by doing or saying the wrong thing? Will soggy, mashed Cheerios ever really come out of the upholstery?

I certainly don't have even half of the answers when it comes to raising children but I feel like parenting is a mixture of many different sources: How we ourselves were raised; by watching how people with whom we are close parent their children; and things we've learned in classes or by reading books (ok, maybe not so much from books, especially those written by single, childless authors!)! Mostly though I feel like our greatest parenting skills are fed by our instincts and our desire to make the absolute best choices possible for our kids!

I've known since I was very young that I wanted to be a mommy but it didn't happen the conventional way for me! It just so happens that I met & fell madly in love with a man who came with some pretty cute baggage! Even though I knew he had kids (ok, one kid & one on the way-don't ask, it's a long story) and all of the unsavory stuff that comes along with a previous marriage I decided that a life on a roller coaster ride was far better than any life I would have without them! It hasn't been all roses though, even in a home full of love! I have often struggled with the fact that I am not my daughters biological mother! Not that biology is what makes a family or a happy home for that matter but I am the only person in my home not related by blood! Some days that thought is absolutely overwhelming and other days I don't think twice about it! This does however, at least partly explain why my furniture is so often rearranged!

I first met Savannah just after she turned two and over the years she has asked me how come I can love her like my own baby even though she didn't come out of my tummy! I've always told her that even though she didn't come out of my body, my heart doesn't know that and loves her just as much as if she had! She would always just giggle & snuggle in close to me whenever I would tell her that! She & I are very close & talk about everything together and we are so much alike it's absurd! This fact explains why we sometimes clash with each other! Even with all of that clashing we sometimes encounter it has been such an amazing journey watching her grow & change into one of the most beautiful & unique human beings I've ever had the privilege to know! I may not have given her life but I feel so lucky to have been given the honor of being her mommy! There is absolutely nothing better in this entire world!

Since Savannah was very little and first asked if it was ok if she called me mommy we haven't used the term "step" in our household! We always knew we wanted to add future babies to our family but we never wanted her to feel as though she wasn't just as much a part of our family as they will be! We never forced it on her though! We always said that so long as she never called me anything mean or inappropriate she could call me whatever felt safe to her inside where all of her feelings are!We are just a family and that is all that matters to us! Of course over the years being her biological mother would have saved us a lot of grief and legal fees! But we've worked so hard to get where we are today I don't think we would be fully appreciative of everything we have now had we not had so many struggles! We have had legal residential custody of Savannah since January 2007 and are now on friendly terms with her biological mother. We have all grown up & matured so much which helps immensely! Joe, Savannah & I are very happy and her mother, step-father & sister Isabelle seem to be as well! What more can you ask out of life really?!

Since hitting the ripe old age of 33 a few weeks ago my already turbo charged biological clock has been ticking over-time! My medical problems combined with an aging body don't exactly make me a
fertile-mertile! Of course neither does the fact that my libido is working up a hard sweat and my husbands is out in left field chasing it's own tail! Though I absolutely hold out hope that I will someday be able to carry & deliver a baby of my own I try to take comfort in the solace that even though we miscarried a baby, I have been blessed enough to have carried a precious life inside of me & through raising Savannah I have felt the magic of being a mommy! It hasn't always been a smooth road but I wouldn't change us for all the tea in China!

Motivationally Speaking!

I am the kind of person who is always creating & maintaining a To-Do List! Anyone close to me knows this to be true! In fact, my husband has been known to write little notes on my To-Do Lists, such as "write to-do list"! He thinks he's funny so I let him! I've caught others over the years doing much the same! Even though I am all about the recycling and as much as it pains me to admit this, if someone wrote on my list I'd have to start all over! I know what you're thinking but I've never actually been diagnosed as OCD, so there!

The thing I've found over the course of my 15 or so years of  "To-Do List writing" is that it is always easier to write the list than it is to actually carry out all of the tasks on the list! I've always thought it was funny when a famous person had a personal trainer to help keep them motivated to continue their work outs! I'm not laughing so much now that I've contemplated one to keep me motivated to complete my daily To-Do Lists! Why is it so hard to just complete a task? This is a question I have asked myself many times over the years! I can't obviously answer for anyone other than myself, so for me it is about loading myself down with so many tasks even Super Woman couldn't possibly finish it all in one day! Perfect case in point is the fact that I've had "paint the living room & dining room ceiling" on my list for nearly a month! Do you think it's been done yet? Nope! Just gets moved to the next days list! 

Day in & day out I torture myself with that long list of disappointment! Every day it just stares at me from the fridge! Winking at me as I go by as if trying to entice me to get my ass in gear! It's not that I'm doing nothing! I get going on one project then find myself moments later working on another one in a completely different room! I think sometimes I find myself so totally overwhelmed by the fact that I am a grown-up with big girl responsibilities that I get stumped! Of course the dog's, who think they're awesome helpers; cat's, who are far too good to care; ferret's, who are completely oblivious; kids, who seem to speak a different language than myself; a husband who doesn't know that mud actually sticks to your shoes; and the fact that we live in a 100 year old dust bucket (I mean house) doesn't always help either!

My daughter is always saying, "you are WAY too picky mom!"! She's right! I just feel like since my family knows this about me that it would be far easier to just do it how I want it done! Yes, I am picky but I'm not delusional! I know I need to revamp my way of thinking and I am truly working on it!

While paying a bill over the phone a few days ago I had the most educational conversation with the very nice customer service rep! She said that her children are grown now but when they were growing up the question she always asked herself was, "will this ultimately matter in 30 years?"! What random wisdom! I have started asking that very question when dealing with things around the house and though I still want things tidy & clean, I am trying hard to more wisely choose my battles!

I will probably always be a To-Do List writer/picky mommy/neat freak, that's just who I am! But motivationally speaking, I am working a lot harder at pairing down my list, actually completing projects on the list and being the calming force I so badly want to embody! I want to know that when my family looks back in 30 years they don't just remember me always cleaning & nagging but rather that I love them & just wanted a clean, tidy, safe & cozy nest in which they can all land safely!

Childs Play!

I have been having one of those incredibly busy weeks in which I wasn't sure if I was coming or going!

I am happy though to report that I survived! It's Friday (thank you higher power!) and as I sit her typing, listening to the kids play outside, I have a humble sense of calm!

In the course of a half an hour they have been both wedding planners & a family running a business! I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how kids can so completely use their imaginations! I have to admit that I am a bit jealous! As an adult & photographer I sometimes feel smothered by my inability to capture exactly the right photograph! As kids they so easily skip from made up game to made up game, making up the rules as they go & being quite content with the outcome!

As I wrap up this post I hear some bickering going on outside because as simple as play can be for kids there will always be times when they just plain don't agree!

What a comfort to know that no matter what is going on in the adult world, in their world they are just kids and it's all child's play!